


Diary of a Stalker who is only 14 Years Old

by Pearly_Pornography



Category: South Park
Genre: Diary/Journal, F/M, Fantasizing, POV First Person, Patty has issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-02
Updated: 2015-11-02
Packaged: 2018-04-29 12:21:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5127428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pearly_Pornography/pseuds/Pearly_Pornography
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dear Diary, today I met a boy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Diary of a Stalker who is only 14 Years Old

Dear Diary. 

Today I met a boy.

He has light-tipped hair and a pale face, and enough piercings to bust up a metal detector. He's got plastic teeth and these dark eyes that gaze into your very being. Is that too corny? I mean, I'm not lying. Am I seriously talking to a book? I've done stupid things before, but damn.

Anywho, I talked to him today. Apparently he runs a very exclusive secret club. He's also got this adorable lisp and I swear he spits enough to drown an ant colony. I considered wiping his mouth off, but I decided against it. He'd probably get all anal about it. Adorable adorable adorable adorable ughhh

 

Dear Diary.

I do believe I'm acquiring more...crushes. Though luckily for me, they'd be considered less-than-wanted by everyone else I know. I do believe it started when I found Eric in the hallway.

His face was tipped over a garbage can and he sounded disturbingly ill. I probably stood there for two or three minutes just watching him being sick. When he noticed me I threw my water bottle at him and ran away. It was the prettiest thing I'd ever seen.

 

Dear Diary.

I think I accidentally committed myself to a vampire cult. Either that or the boy - Mike, I think - is very very personable. However when I put my lips on his in the heat of the moment his whole group began screeching noisily. I don't think he liked it. I don't really know why.

Also, I gave Eric my sandwich. He said something really stupid and took it. What a cute little dummy.

 

Dear Diary.

Now I've gone and done it. My circle has increased to three.

You see, I ran into Martin "DogPoo" Petuski today. He was peeling roaches off of the bathroom door. One of them wriggled inside of his mouth. I found it oddly attractive, though I feel an uncomfortable urge to call it "erotic". 

I struck up conversation with him. He was socially awkward, occasionally interjecting a sentence with some strange exclamation. And when he wasn't talking I could hear him chewing on exoskeleton and antenna. When he bent over to pick up a book I pulled out a hair from the back of his head, and it was caked in some kind of grime. It looked like bird excrement. He didn't notice.

 

Dear Diary.

Kenny McCormick? He's probably the least hideous person I've fallen for.

I found him while doing my usual routine of following Eric to the cafeteria. McCormick was an enigma, for certain. I pulled him over in the hallway later and bit his nose. I think he liked it.

 

Dear Diary

I think I'd ought to cut it off at five. Five men seems like enough, especially if the last one is someone like Scott Malkinson.

I wanted to go get more conversation with Mikey, but sort of discovered Malkinson at a table all by himself. The words of my female friends weren't helpful towards his self-esteem, I'd assume.

A vague transcription is written here.

Me: "Who is that?"

Bebe: "Oh, that's Scott Malkinson."

Nichole: "He's gross."

Wendy: "That's not very nice."

Me: "He's kinda hot I'm juuuuust sayin'"

And that's about where the conversation ended. Nichole was totally wrong about him. He was very sweet.

 

Dear Diary.

Well it appears I've finally had the title of "harasser" stapled to my forehead. Lisa (or Liza, nobody seems to know) confronted me in the halls claiming I was making people uncomfortable. I felt as though that shouldn't have been coming from the number one writer of Tweek X Craig fanfiction, but I just shrugged her off. She can't stop things like true love.

When I asked Mike for a hug, he immediately had something to do. Lynn Kitty Gelsa then looked me in the eye and told me to leave Mike alone before running after him. I think she was super jealous.

 

Dear Diary.

I thought Eric was straying today. So I gave him a little kiss. He seemed confused, but did nothing about it.

I also decided to sit with Scott Malkinson at lunch today. Somehow I had no idea he has diabetes, which makes the cookie I gave him seem less like a present and more like a curse. Luckily he actually remembered. No way can I pay a hospital bill.

 

Dear Diary.

I think I figured out how to French kiss. It's with the tongue, right?


End file.
